Most of the time it feels like the world is an unfriendly place.
I feel like I have to battle against the entire human race, and it's exhausting. I'm always arguing with someone over some injustice they've committed upon me. Clerks who over-charge, realtors who screw up, random forum posters with opinions. Even little things really make my blood boil! I'm always on the watch for someone who is going to take advantage of me, hurt me, embarass me. These fears lead to me spending a lot of time by myself, or with a select group of trusted people.
In my college classes, they use the bell-curve. I'm purposely don't study with my fellow students because I want them to fail so that my score will be improved. I feel this kind of direct competition all the time. If someone else does badly, that means I'm doing better than them. In class, in life.
My family always followed the opposite of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". We always say something mean, biting, hurtful, sarcastic. If you can outwit and put down the other person, you are winning. I was laughed at for everything, mocked until tears, until I learned to fight back with clever words.
Now I verbally attack everyone I meet, in my head. I'll label people with reasons not to like them; I find myself despising people on the bus who exit too slowly, someone in class who uses different coloured pens for notes, or people at the mall who walk out of stores without looking. There is no reason for me to hate these people so violently, but I know I have to beat them to it. I have to attack them first before they get me.
So it's Me vs The World. And no one wins.
