Cast Off Depression

To me, knitting has always seemed like magic. I'd watch people's fingers manipulate the needles and the yarn would contort itself into something orderly, and beautiful. Uninitiated into the secrets of the magic, I'd watch knitters on the bus. I'd stare at knitting instructional books, trying to make sense of the loops, the finger movements, the needle motion.

I taught myself because I was too anxious to join a class, and my grandma (the only knitter I knew) is overbearing and bossy. I learned from a book (Knitting for Dummies, of all things!), and by watching videos online.

Although I was disappointed at the time that I didn't have a wonderful story about learning to knit on my grandma's knee, I'm so proud that I did it myself! My style, my method, my knitting, it's all my own.

Knitting is creation - I'm incredibly proud of what I make... even if it looks unimpressive when I finish the next project!

Knitting is philosophy - I can create a little bit of visible order in my life. I used to create disorder by cutting myself, now I use knitting to make one thing into another. Each stitch is an accomplishment!

Knitting is relaxation - It's impossible to be stressed out and to knit at the same time. The results are awful... that is if you can manage to continue being anxious once those stitches start forming!

Knitting is therapy - I've talked to many people via Ravelry who tell me that the knitting has improved their sanity, wellbeing, outlook, relationship, etc. It's rare that you can find something so simply rewarding, soothing, and productive, that you have absolute control over.

I've seen people with tattoos of "k2tog", a knitting instruction for knitting two stitches together, and it's always hit home with me. Instead of succombing to the depression, or trying to ignore it, I'm knitting it into my life. By combining my depression and my life into one, I'm slowly improving. And it feels good!

I figure a good starting point for this site is a bit of my story, since this is the product of who I am and who I want to be.

When I was 14, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The diagnosis was a hesitant one, slapped on me only after mono, thyroid disease, cancer, and other issues were ruled out. What the doctors were trying to figure out is why I had no energy, no drive, no joy, and complete apathy for everything. I had spent two months holed up in my room, missing most of grade 9, and nearly failing as a result. I wasn't trying to keep what I now know is depression from anyone... I simply didn't know what it was, or why I felt so terrible all the time!

Even though I likely have a biological basis for my depression, it has been triggered by events in my life. The combination of environment and biology is one that is well-known to psychologists, though when you are depressed, it is easy to try to blame one or the other and find that ultimate cause. It's not easy to have a disorder that comes from so many factors!

My depression was finally diagnosed when I was 16 and I began cutting and self-harming. I was filled with such self-loathing and frustration, and I wanted to wear a symbol of how much I hurt inside. Please remember that this is only my take on the self-injury, and everyone is very different! I still wear the scars from my cutting.

Eventually I told my mom, took medication for a few weeks, then became so wrapped up in being a teenager I forgot I was depressed. Or that's what I wanted to believe! I missed my graduation dinner because I didn't feel up to going. And I spent much of high school feeling very lonely, apart from time spent with a small group of friends.

After high school I met my fiancé. We've been together for nearly six years now, and we're getting married next year. I am so incredibly thankful for the positive effect he's had on my life, and I'm so glad that I didn't run from him and this wonderful relationship. I nearly did.

My fiancé encouraged me to get help, and I now see a counsellor a few times a month, and I'm just coming off Effexor, which I was on for a year. Now I use light therapy and follow the TLC program. I also chat with the wonderful people on Ravelry in the depression group called One Stitch at a Time. They inspired me to start this page, and even helped to name it. Thank you all!

I'm about 1 year away from finishing university with a major in Psychology. I might teach one day, but I have so many plans... we'll see if I can ever settle in to a full-time job!

For me, knowing about depression and what I can do to live with it is incredibly powerful. I've stopped running from my depression and I want to face it head-on. Most days aren't easy, but some days are wonderful.

If you have depression, or you know someone who does, don't be embarassed. You don't have to hide. I hope I can help people to find ways to live with depression, and to do what they want to do with their lives.

Start by sharing your depression story with someone, or post it here in the comments (even anonymously!)